Guest Post: Past Dawned Upon

A profound, brilliant, moving, amazing poem my son wrote last week:

Past Dawned Upon

Trekking onward,

Over hills,

Through valleys.

The sun sets,

The shadows creep,

Danger comes upon me.

***

I’ve been through here,

Once before.

Long ago.

Fear grips at me,

As I see a familiar face.

It laughs at me,

As I walk nervously.

***

I feel abandoned,

The lantern is out,

The darkness surrounds me.

I have to get out.

I can’t stay here.

They are coming again,

For revenge.

***

Can no one save me,

From this hole?

Am I doomed to repeat,

A past fate?

***

A single thread,

Is holding holding me together,

Should it snap,

What will become of me?

***

I moan within,

Nowhere to flee.

They’re everywhere,

Sucking away my sanity,

Sucking away my life.

***

Oh Light, where art Thou?!

Why have you left me?

***

This is the Trial of my Soul,

I want to reach out for help,

But I fear of dragging them down with me.

Must I fight this alone?

***

Where is myself?

I cannot afford to revert.

Anger grips at me,

Hatred,

Hopelessness,

Loneliness.

It has returned with vengeance.

***

Have I called this upon myself?

Am I a filthy man?

Surely this is not my final hour.

I shall not return to that cage…

***

Oh Light,

I cry to Thee,

And Thou hasn’t heard me!

Have I wronged Thee so?

Am I deserving of such demonic beatings?

***

I know that I am sinful,

The worst of all,

But do not abandon me!

Without You, I am nothing.

I will return to the dust.

***

I cry invisible tears,

I wear a mask.

People think I’ve got it together,

But the Temple is crumbling.

I can’t keep it up,

The beasts are forcing their way in.

Oh Light,

Where art Thou?!

***

I am failing,

I am scared,

Is it my fate to return,

To the old me?

Why have they returned to taunt me?

***

Shall I become an empty shell again?

Shall they steal my soul?

Gnaw upon it and feast?

Oh Light,

Hear my final desperate cry!

For I am at my human limit!

***

Do not let me fall back into the black sludge,

From a Past Once Dawned Upon!

Save me!

For within I weep.

If Thou shall not save me,

Who will?

~*~*~*~

What I Learned From This Year’s Great Lent During The Coronavirus Lockdown

sunset shining over clouds

Reading a friend’s experience of Great Lent this year and his experience of Pascha (that was this past Sunday for us Orthodox Christians), I could relate.

I answered him with my own experience:

Definitely felt depleted in the midnight service when the Light of Christ came out. It was not close to being the same as experiencing it in person. I also realized what a terribly weak and slothful Christian I am throughout this Great Lent and even Holy Week. I believe it was a test for all of us this season, and I’m thinking I may have just crawled over the finish line, dragging myself along.

Having said that, I know that I learned a lot from this experience. To grow stronger, to work harder at keeping connected to Christ God, and to live with sober awareness of Him and focus on Him every day. It showed me, even more, how important He is in my life. How much more I need Him than ever before.

Out of every difficult time comes a lesson and a ray of light in those darker moments. God is good.

 

~*~*~*~