Anxiety Bores Impatience

silhouette of woman for anxiety blog post

When I was twenty-two, I was diagnosed with general anxiety with periodic panic attacks.

Anxiety and panic, for me, are two different things.  Panic attacks hit me in my head first, causing dizziness, followed by quickened heart rate, some perspiring, fear, and the like.  With anxiety, it starts in the chest and causes helplessness, an impending sense of doom, as well as quickened heart rate.

Everyone who suffers from anxiety or panic attacks may share in some of the symptoms, but experiences them a bit differently and also has different triggers that set them off.

Mine is TIME.

I remember in my early twenties explaining this visual of my trigger of time as a rodent running on a wheel, getting nowhere while time and the world churned ahead without me.  I desperately wanted to catch up but was helpless to in the moments of panic attacks.

mouse on wheel

When I had my first panic attack at age twenty, it felt like my head was going to spin right off my body, my heart raced, and I feared loss of mind and control.  And as panic sufferers know, we become worried about it happening again, which perpetuates the panic feelings.

Eventually, after having a handful of full-blown panic attacks, I learned to be aware of when one was coming on, and talking to myself (in my head, not out loud) about it in a reasonable manner.

talking out of anxiety and panic

At that time in my early twenties, for four years, I was on an anti-anxiety medication for my anxiety and a tranquilizer for panic attacks.  Both medications did the job of curbing my anxiety and panic attacks.  After getting off the medication, my system seemed improved.

Since this time (over twenty years ago), I’ve faired pretty well, but since the onslaught of peri-menopause, my anxiety and panic attacks have been kicked up a notch, causing some disruption in my life.

At the end of June, I did some stupid things because of my anxiety, like mistakenly canceling my debit card.

I looked over my husband’s and my checking account and discovered a debit card purchase for a DVD from an unknown company.  Worried and panic-stricken thinking  somebody had gotten my card number, I went online and disputed the purchase.  Immediately after I did that, my card was canceled.

It was at that moment I remembered the amount of the purchase and realized I did purchase this DVD.  It was just that the company name didn’t match the place I ordered from.

silencing inner critic

Peri-menopausal fog brain mixed with anxiety is a recipe for chaos.

I called the bank the next day, and a new card was sent out for two-day delivery.

If I’d just waited and thought calmly for about five more minutes, I’m positive I would have remembered the amount and the place from which I purchased the DVD.

This was the day Whole Foods opened in my area, and I wanted to be there for the opening (I know, that alone is nuts).  Obviously I didn’t have my debit card, but I did have my checkbook.  That was a mistake because they didn’t take checks, so I had to run home and fetch my credit card that I’ve been desperately trying to pay down.

I could have just waited until the next day when my new debit card arrived and gone to Whole Foods then and not gone through all of this.  But NO, I was anxious to go RIGHT NOW!  If I didn’t go then, think of all the things I’d miss seeing on Opening Day!

scolding myself

Every time my anxiety hits, I become impatient and pushy.  After the incident, I’d hate my actions and how I irritated my family members.  Imagine this anxious impatience…it feels like a tornado of confusion, frustration, fear, and anger sweeping through you.  At least it does for me.

depressed-silhouette-woman

After experiencing this impatience three days in a row, I broke down in tears of frustration and anger, really strongly disliking myself for my stupid actions and idiocy.

Where did my brain go?

The next few days and weeks I sat analyzing my actions and behavior. I finally saw this pattern of impatience and that it was actually tied to my anxiety.

It only took me 28 years to figure this out.

gif of duh or rolling eyes

In any case, this was a breakthrough for me, a relief.  I’d finally figured out what I was doing and why I was doing it.

But how was I going to stop doing it?

Anxiety pounces on me unexpectedly a lot of the time.  The behavior and havoc almost always play out before I am aware of it.

Friends who suffer from anxiety and/or panic attacks, how do you experience them?  How do you deal with them?

Being a person who tries to follow Christ, making an effort to be Christ-like daily, even though I fail most of the time, my anxiety causes me to forget to ask Him for help when I’m going through this.  Too many times, I try to control these attacks all on my own.

give your burden at the Lord's feet

This is the crux of my problem.

But I suppose I had to discover what I was doing before I could reach this point.

So, now that I know this, I am making the effort and becoming more aware to ask God to help me through these instances of impatience and anxiety.

I’m not really a fan of praying for patience, because…well…then your patience is tested, and I fail 99% of the time.

BUT…

In reality, it’s through those tests of my patience, that I am provided the chances to be patient and make it become more of a habit, and therefore, become more of who I want to be, which is a better, calmer, loving person with a closer relationship to Christ.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been able to apply patience to at least three occasions, by talking to myself, as a type of mental coach, and through God’s help.

Here’s to a new path toward a less anxiety-ridden life.

mountain path towards light

~*~*~*~

 

Writing: Harmful & Therapeutic to Your Health

writing in notebook a story

As a writer, I tend to sit a lot, which isn’t exactly healthy.  However, I do walk every now and then, and I found out that writing and walking are a natural marriage of mind and body.

But to be honest, I don’t walk enough…two or three times a week for twenty minutes per day the majority of the time.  Ideally, five days a week for twenty to thirty minutes is my unattained goal thus far.

Incidentally, along with discovering the marriage of writing and walking, I discovered some fascinating information on this topic.  Many famous writers walked a lot.  Authors such as Charles Dickens, Virginia Woolf, and William Wordsworth.  Of course, if you think about it, walking was much more commonplace for getting around back in Dickens’ et. al’s eras.  They benefited before studies were done on what walking does for writers.

walking sneakers

Other than getting some good exercise, other positive things happen when we trek around our neighborhood or local park.  In a study done by England’s Cambridge University of more than 334,000 Europeans, it discovered a brisk walk twenty minutes a day might be sufficient to decrease a person’s risk of premature death.  In addition, walking aids in stress reduction and alleviates symptoms of depression (Bianchi).

Walking also clears the mind and actually leads to creative thinking.  A Stanford University study asked participants to do mental tasks, such as producing analogies to convey complex ideas, that are common in creativity tests.  The results showed that 81% to 100% of the participants formed creative ideas walking compared to sitting (Andrews).

Now, about writing.  I found that writing is a way to help heal from traumas and also releases emotional stress and eases anxiety.

A study by Spera, Buhrfeind, and Pennebaker shows expressive writing, which means scrawling down your feelings on paper, improves mood, well-being, and decreases stress levels.

Expressive writing can be used to write in a daily gratitude journal, a journal for recording emotionally stressful events, or through the created and written situations of characters’ lives in your novel.  For example, a study was done on engineers that had been laid off recently and were separated into three groups:

1) A control group with no writing,

2) A group assigned to write about time management, and

3) A group to expressively write about the raw feelings of losing their jobs.

Both writing groups did this twenty minutes a day for five days, in which they also elucidated the emotional difficulties of job hunting, “relationship problems, financial stressors, the immediate experience of being fired, losing their coworkers, and feeling rejected” (Grant).

The results were stunning.  Three months later, the control group with the exception of five percent, were still seeking employment.  Twenty-six percent of the expressive writing groups obtained new jobs.  These groups also reported consuming less alcohol.  Eight months later, the control group still struggled to acquire a job with less than nineteen percent finding full-time work, whereas, fifty-two percent of the expressive writing groups had new jobs (Grant).

writing

In writing her novel, author Jessica Lourey states, “Little by little, I was carving out new space for thoughts that were not about death or depression.”  She adds regarding Dr. Pennebaker’s study, “Two elements above all else increase therapeutic value of writing: creating a coherent narrative and shifting perspective…Writers call them plot and point of view” (Lourey).  Therefore, expressive writing heals.

So, writing and walking are good things, right?  Well…  Walking certainly is good for a person as noted above.  Writing is good for easing and healing emotional issues.  But sitting most of the day writing, staring at a computer screen, and not taking breaks can actually cause major health problems.

Like many office workers, serious, dedicated writers likely sit six or more hours a day.  Physically, sitting for many hours a day elevates the risk of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and premature death.  This includes people who exercise regularly.  Dr. David Alter from the Toronto Rehabilitation Institute states, “Even if you do a half an hour or an hour of exercise every day, it doesn’t give us the reassurance that sitting for the other twenty-three hours is okay.  In fact, it’s not” (CBS News).

In a study by CBS News, prolonged sitting increased the risk of cardiovascular disease by 14%.  The risk of cancer increased by 13%, and the risk of diabetes skyrocketed to 91%.  With sedentariness, the heart is not getting its exercise, and blood sugar isn’t moving well through our cells (CBS News).

Mentally, sitting in an environment with no social interaction or outside fresh air and sunlight causes depression for many writers.  A couple of famous writers who had or currently have depression are F. Scott Fitzgerald and J.K. Rowling.

A study out of Australia of close to 9,000 women in their fifties discovered those who sat seven hours a day and did not exercise were three times more likely to have depressive symptoms, than for those who sat less than four hours daily and exercised regularly.

feeling-the-effects-of-chronci-stress

Incidentally, depression drains a person’s energy, which causes less of a desire to be active (Andrews). Sitting for several hours a day also affects a person’s wellbeing because of lack of social interaction. Connecting with family and friends reduces isolation and loneliness (Mann).

Writers also face emotional challenges such as dealing with perpetual rejections from publishers, editors, and the like.  This also at times includes their peers. A clinical psychiatrist, Dr. Alan Manevitz, states, “A large part of a writer’s success depends on how other people think of him” (Mann).

The majority of writers work by themselves and are isolated from companionship and sunlight, and coupled with unhealthy sleeping patterns if they write into the night, are a concoction for depression (Mann).

That news alone can depress a person who enjoys writing.  But there are ways to counter these dire outcomes.  We can start by standing up for one to three minutes each half hour or so of sitting throughout the day (CBS News).

Apparently, many corporations have purchased standing desks.  Some employees have reported feeling more balanced energy-wise by working at standing desks than when they’d been sitting at desks.  Getting used to standing at their desks did take time and adjustment, but it seems to be proving helpful to their wellness (CBS News).

standing desk

I started taking one to three-minute standing breaks yesterday, and I already felt a difference, and it was a positive one.  My energy level was better, and my mind was more focused and clear.

New story ideas and character dialogue switch on while I’m walking, and walking out in the sunlight and listening to the birds and looking at nature around me boosts my mood and energy.  Spending quality time with family and friends is something I’m trying to do more.  A good balance of social connection and alone time is needed for my introverted self.

With periodic breaks and a regular walking routine, we writers can improve not only our health, but our creativity.

~*~*~*~

Works Cited
Andrews, Linda Wasmer. “To Become a Better Writer, Be a Frequent Walker.”  Psychology Today.  28 March 2016.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/minding-the-body/201603/become-better-writer-be-frequent-walker.  Accessed 19 July 2018.
Andrews, Linda Wasmer.  “What Sitting Does to Your Psyche.”  Psychology Today.  20 March 2014.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/minding-the-body/201403/what-sitting-does-your-psyche.  Accessed 19 July 2018.
Bianchi, Nicole.  “Want to Become a Better Writer?  Go For a Walk.”  Nicholebianchi.com. 15 June 2016. https://nicolebianchi.com/better-writer-daily-walk/.  Accessed 12 July 2018.
Grant, Adam.  “The Power of the Pen:  How to Boost Happiness, Health, and Productivity.” Linkedin.com.  28 May 2013. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20130528121344-69244073-the-power-of-the-pen-can-writing-make-us-happier-healthier-and-more-productive/. Accessed 12 July 2018.
Lourey, Jessica.  “The Therapeutic Benefits of Writing a Novel:  Research suggests that writing fiction can be a powerful healing tool.”  Psychology Today.  9 June 2017.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/discover-your-truth/201706/the-therapeutic-benefits-writing-novel.  Accessed 12 July 2018.
Mann, Denise.  “Why Writers Are Prone To Depression.”  Everyday Health. https://www.everydayhealth.com/depression/why-writers-are-prone-to-depression-6709.aspx. Accessed 19 July 2018.
“Too much sitting raises risk of death, even if you exercise.”  CBS News.  20 January 2015. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/too-much-sitting-raises-risk-of-death-even-if-you-exercise/. Accessed 19 July 2018.

 

 

 

 

 

Remembering Dad’s Wit

On April 29, 2012, Dad reposed.  After several strokes, the last one being massive, and in between the last two, pneumonia, Dad didn’t recover, but became unresponsive and on a ventilator to breathe.  The doctor had told Mom and my sister, Mary, that he couldn’t breathe without it.  Via phone conversations, Mary and I came to the painful decision that we needed to let him go and leave it in God’s hands, so to speak. We made this decision before Mom did, which was understandable.  But eventually she agreed.  The ventilator was removed around four in the afternoon on April 29, 2012, and Dad left this life seven hours later.  I was back at parents’ house with my sons when he departed.  I got the call from Mom a few minutes before Mary and my husband, Troy, got to parents’ house after leaving Mom at the hospital.  Seven hours later…Seven…I’d thought about this when I told my sister he’d reposed and thought “Seven, the number for completion,” Biblically speaking in our Orthodox Christian faith.  It’s odd sometimes what you think of in such sorrowful and painful moments in your life.

So, in memory of Dad for the 29th, I’m sharing something funny and dear to my mom, sister, and I:  Many Sayings of My Dad.  He was a 30-year Air Force Colonel lawyer and judge, and was/is a loving, encouraging, and gentle father with a great dry sense of humor.  So, here are the list of my dad’s common sayings:

“Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?”

“Back when the earth’s crust was cooling…” – talking about the age in which he grew up.

“Back when the dinosaurs were still roaming the earth….” talking about the age in which he grew up.

While playing poker, Dad would say many things while dealing to us:  (dealing to first person) “Three 4s,” (dealing next person) “Pair of queens,” (dealing to the next person which they don’t get anything) “Paregoric.”

Again, dealing cards during poker to us:  “Possible straight,” (next person) “Possible flush,” (next person with nothing) “Possible nothing.”

When it’s somebody else’s turn to deal or it’s their turn in one of our board games.  “It’s all urine, pee pee!” 

When something was really gross or disgusting:  “It’s enough to make a buzzard puke.”

Watching some sport like baseball or football and the players are running to catch the ball:  “I got it!  I got it!  You take it!”

When someone would sleep in late:  “Ah, the dead has arisen!”

When dad would be leaving to go to work usually (and my husband has adopted this):  “I’m off in a cloud of sheep dung!”

I would tease dad when I was a young teenager and not speak correctly by saying something like “I ain’t got none,” for which he’d reply:  “That’s a double negative, so really you do have something.” 

Teasing mom when speaking the Greek words “ti kanis, kala?” ( τι κανεις καλα,  which means, “how are you? well?”), he’d say it like this:  “Tea canister, collapse?”

When Dad wasn’t feeling well way back when he worked in the Air Force, some of his coworkers were urging him about some work that needed to be done and that he needed to be there.  He said, telling this to a friend I believe it was:  “I’ll have the hearse pick me up on the way there.” 

“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but he abuses the privilege.”

“Take all you want, but eat all you take!”

“It’s a phenomenon of nature” – when Mary asked him “why” and he didn’t know

When someone would be leaving the table, or needing to say “excuse me” or “pardon me” for something, Dad’s reply would be “Granted.”

Back in the mid 1990’s when Mom, Dad, and I came down to LA to visit my sister and stayed at her house, both my sister and I had bad coughs from colds/allergies/sinusitis stuff.  After listening to our barking coughs for a while, he said, “Sounds like a TB ward in here.” 

“Ah, I see, said the blind man.”

His favorite words for telling me or both my sister and I when arguing in the back seat of the car to be quiet were “Cork it.”

“He is as full of crap as a Christmas goose.”

Dad would always help me with my homework, even all the way through high school.  I was kind of a struggling student–three quarters lazy, one quarter comprehensive problems.  So, I was whining over some report I was working on that he was helping me with because he had told me something I would need to do in addition to what resources I’d collected.  When I whined, he said, “Ah, yes.  We couldn’t go and look up that information and work on bibliography cards…That would be too much like… *Gasp* … WORK!” 

Mom said Dad was a walking encyclopedia, and on rare occasions, we’d ask him a word, and he’d say, “I know all, except that one.” 

He’d also throw this word at us every now and again and ask us to spell it or ask what it meant or something like that: “Anti-disetablishmentarinism.” 

“Take a long walk off a short pier!” 

“All in good time.”

On the road stopped at a light that is green for more than a few seconds.  He’d say to the person in front of him: “It’s as green as it gets!” 

“What is on your alleged mind?” 

“Once again, I am the screwee.”  

Mary said:  Me, loading up everything I can carry at once so I don’t have to make 2 trips…Dad: “Aaahhh….The lazy man’s load.” 

“To err is human, to forgive is divine.  Neither, however, is SAC policy.” – Contributed by Dad’s good friend, Doug Chandler

“Dad, I want to go to my friend’s house”…Dad’s response:  “Denied!” which was rare.

“Suck in that gut!  You’re in the marine corps now!”

“but Daaaddd, I really want to go to so and so’s house!” Dad: “Yes, and people in hell want ice water.” 

Dad’s endearing nicknames for me from earliest age to adulthood:  “My little flower,” “Dorothy of Porothy,” and “The Dotmeister.”

 

Love you, Dad.  You’re always near me.  I feel your presence often.  Until we meet again. ❤

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

 

Keeping Up With It All

silhouette of woman facing sunset

Sometimes there are days when I feel overwhelmed and just want to burrow away in a cave or crawl under the covers and lay there until all the things in my mind and in the world stop spinning so I can catch up and gain some semblance of peace.  Truly, the last couple of months have been the busiest in my life since the baby and toddler years of my youngest son, Christopher’s brain surgeries and many medical treatments and therapies.

Obviously, this is a different kind of busy.  And really, during Great Lent, I should have a lighter load of earthly cares and an expanded and deeper spiritual regimen/practice.  I’m not doing too well there.  Lord, but I keep trying.  I am enduring.  I’ve got to.

These years of my life are a struggle as I have my usual medical issues since my early twenties of low blood sugar and general anxiety coupled with cantankerous peri-menopausal symptoms, like hot flashes and the dreaded night sweats that deprive me of decent hours of sleep and suck the nutrients and liquid out of my body making me borderline dehydrated.  So then I have to have a bottle of water on my nightstand to take a few sips every two hours I wake from burning up and being drenched in perspiration. Of course, while this is going on, my hormones are a mess, which triggers my anxiety and low blood sugar.  It’s a real balancing act.  But I am enduring.  I’ve got to.

menopause fan and water pic

My novel is in its last edits with my editor, and I’ve been working feverishly on the synopsis of my novel.  It’s written, but it needs to be culled of wordiness for which I’m so guilty. I also have other pieces I’m writing, but they have been put aside while I focus on my novel.

To add to this, I started British Literature class this past Monday, to which there are many things to read and write–journals and essays.  It’s one of four classes I’ve got left until I graduate, and truly, I’m running out of steam for courses with heavy analyzing and five to ten-page papers to write.  But I am enduring.  I’ve got to.

And, of course, my weekly blog posts.  I almost didn’t have anything to write about for Monday, until I thought about all I’ve got going on and figured, hey, why not write about that?  People can relate.  And with that…a Shout Out to all my anxiety-ridden and menopausal pals out there.  We endure.  We’ve got to.

Then there are the regular wife and mother hats that I wear happily and proudly.  My sons are getting through the school year well.  My husband is working so hard.  I love them all…words can’t really express how much.  They, along with God, are my support and life.

So to help ease my stress, I’m going to try to return to walking at least four times a week, do yoga stretches, and read more spiritual books.  Wish me luck.  But you know, I’ve got to do it.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Maternal Moxie: Tenacious Moms of Special Needs Kids

mary-cassatts-breakfast-in-bed

 

“I feel like I am often in and out of the process of grief. As we reach new stages in life, there are new things to mourn – things that Sophia’s peers are doing that she is not,” says mother, Julie, of her daughter, Sophia, who has special needs.

What happens to a mother’s physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing when she is perpetually striving to cope with her child’s serious chronic illness?

We mothers have the natural tendency to conjure up ideas or thoughts in our minds of what terrible sicknesses our children could be stricken with before we know what it is. But when we are given the actual name and details of the affliction, it usually isn’t quite what we’d thought. And sometimes it is.

On the afternoon of October 29, 2003, the words “brain tumor” floated in my mind minutes before the nurse practitioner at Madigan Army Hospital in Tacoma, Washington, told my husband and I that our 12-month-old son, Christopher, had a brain tumor. Yet, hearing the haunting words come out of her mouth crushed me. My mind went blank and I couldn’t speak. My throat closed as tears gathered in my eyes. I became confused and encapsulated in a fog the next few days as we headed to Seattle’s Children’s Hospital and got our son checked in for upcoming brain surgery.

At age 16, Anna’s child, Oran, was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and mixed bipolar subtype. Linda’s child, Baylee, had her first seizure at age 11, and the diagnosis of childhood absence epilepsy (CAE) followed. Julie’s child, Sophia, was diagnosed with Angelman Syndrome at the age of two. Angelman syndrome, Julie explains, “is a chromosomal abnormality that results in global developmental delays, including limited ability to communicate, problems walking, sleep disorders, and behavioral challenges, among other things.”

I, like my friends, Anna, Julie, and Linda, saw the behavioral and physical symptoms in our children months and/or several years before our children’s doctors were able to diagnose their illnesses. We did not know what was wrong with our children, but we did know something wasn’t right. Learning of these serious illnesses came with differing reactions from all of us.

Anna’s son, Oran, was a highly intelligent child throughout his grade school years, but he started to show persistent symptoms of his illness around age 14, and it later affected his reading comprehension and memory. Two difficult years and three ER visits later, Oran was diagnosed. “Frankly, I was just relieved. With the diagnosis comes understanding and treatment,” Anna says.

Julie says she experienced many feelings. “There was a mixture of relief in knowing what exactly was going on along with guidelines of what to expect, devastation that her life would be nothing like we had expected or anticipated, and fear about this new path with possibilities of significant handicap” (Boam).

sunset-silhouette-woman-2

For Linda, shock struck her when the doctor told her that her daughter, Baylee, had childhood absence epilepsy. “We had no idea what it was at the time,” she says.

Throughout the early stages of our children’s illnesses and treatments, we didn’t have time to worry about our own health because we focused on caring for our children and facing whatever struggles and difficulties lay ahead. There really wasn’t a manual for us on how to tackle all the difficult and strenuous tasks we would end up performing to help them maintain a sense of some type of normalcy in their lives.

These struggles surfaced several times in my caretaking of Christopher after his first and second brain surgeries in which the neurosurgeons removed three quarters of the tumor, but could not remove what was left on his brainstem without causing him to lose his life. After the second surgery, Christopher had developed a blood infection, and the nurse practitioner, Kathy, told me I could administer his medication via his PIC line. I protested immediately, because of the paralyzing fear that shook me as I thought about the deadly mistakes I’d most certainly make in doing such a dangerous duty that should be reserved to only highly competent nurses. But the nurse insisted that I could do it and backed her confidence in me in the fact that we were a couple of blocks from the hospital living in the Ronald McDonald House should we need help, and that she had faith in me that I could do it. She had told me she wouldn’t have suggested it if she hadn’t thought I could do it. This did not give me any feelings of relief or boost my self-confidence, but when she told me it would be better than bringing Christopher into the hospital every day and what that entailed, I reluctantly accepted my assignment.

heparin-flush-syringes

After one visit from a home nurse that instructed me in administering the medications, I nervously took the reigns. I had to inject antibiotics in his PIC line in his arm twice daily for five days with the fear of blowing out his veins or contaminating the tips of the PIC line and medicine plunger. Nevertheless, after the most agonizing and stressful period among a few others during this serious and difficult time in Christopher’s and my lives, I finished giving him the medicines. When we went back to the hospital for a blood draw to see if the infection had cleared, which it had, the relief that flooded through my system was an enormous grateful wave. In the present day, we monitor Christopher through MRI scans every two years and check ups on his left eye and how steadily he is growing – the latter being watched because of his six weeks of radiation treatment in 2005.

christopher-during-radiation-treatment-2005

My son, Christopher, during his six weeks of radiation therapy, spring 2005

Anna spent her time navigating through the mental healthcare system, in getting Oran the specialists he needed for his illness, which included psychiatrists, therapists, and social workers. This is an ongoing endeavor, along with her careful conversations with her son regarding any type of changes in his medical treatment, medicines, and just everyday conversations which can be touch and go on how Oran may react to them. In many of these conversations, Anna elucidates feeling like she’s walking on eggshells. Everyone in her family is affected by Oran’s illness. Anna points out, “ When one person in the family becomes ill, the family is at risk of becoming ill. The mental health system treats individuals, yet these individuals are often part of a family that acts as the support system. Failing to acknowledge this as part of the treatment is one of the huge problems with the mental health system.” Her battles with the system are a regular occurrence, including the annual struggles in obtaining his prescription drugs.

Linda’s daughter, Baylee, would get seizures not only during the day but also at night while she slept. Linda had to closely monitor her daughter and make sure she was getting her medications and a healthy amount of sleep. Furthermore, she says, “Weather was a big factor in her seizures.  She couldn’t get too warm or too cold because that could set off a seizure.”  Although Baylee has been seizure-free for three years now, Linda continues to be watchful because “with epilepsy, anything can set it off,” she says. She continues to make sure Baylee gets the rest and nutrition she needs and says, “I still get nervous when she doesn’t answer me when I call her or talk to her or when she has a lapse in her memory or I see her twitch in her sleep, but I think that will always be a part of me.”

feeling-the-effects-of-chronci-stress

Julie has had many trials in caring for her daughter, Sophia. She tells me, “Physically, Sophia is a challenge as she now outweighs me, but still requires a lot of help with personal hygiene, toileting, bathing, dressing, etc.” She shares with me the most difficult task she has had to perform, saying, “The hardest and most awful thing is when she is ill with a stomach bug that causes her to vomit.  She can’t quite wrap her head around the idea of throwing up.  First of all, she can’t tell me she needs to.  And secondly, it scares her, and she ends up choking and crying and making huge messes.  Whenever she’s ill, I spend the next day or two (or three!) right by her side with a bucket trying to keep her comfortable and catch vomit.”

We recognize the effects that our children’s illnesses have on their siblings. The stress of caring for a chronically-sick child is great, but it is compounded by the concerns for your other children’s wellbeing, not wanting them to feel left out. Incidentally, Linda’s only child is Baylee.

Julie says of her two other children, “I try to tell them often how much I appreciate their patience and their love for their sister.”

Oran is the second born of Anna’s six children. She explains, “For the rest of our children, the struggle and distress can be wearing. We discuss the illness, its effect on their sibling and on them. We’ve also had to give them more latitude. For example, allowing more time for mature behavior to develop in some areas. Now that the children are older, I have repeatedly apologized to the younger three children. They really did not have a childhood.”

Yet, Anna and Julie say their children are remarkably forgiving and understanding overall. This is true of my son, Christopher’s older sibling, Nicholas. He learned to accept Christopher’s special needs and has been a caring and doting big brother ever since.

The stressors involved in caring for our special needs children can be detrimental to our health. Years of such toil with plenty of sweat, frustration, fatigue, and tears, wears away on our bodies, minds, and spirits. In a study done by neuroendocrinologist, Dr. Robert Sapolsky, and psychologist, Dr. Elissa Epel, on stress hormones and what it does to our bodies, Dr. Sapolsky explains, “The genetic structures that protect the ends of our chromosomes are called telomeres. As we age, our telomeres shorten. Stress by stress hormones can accelerate the shortening of telomeres.” In reference to mothers of special needs children, he says, “These women have shortened telomeres, a decreased activity of this enzyme, and a very, very rough number – for every year you’re taking care of a chronically-ill child, you’ve got roughly six years of aging” (National Geographic).

shining-telemeres

Dr. Epel reiterates Sapolsky’s statements with regards to the chronic stress of mothers of special needs children, saying, “It can tax the very reserves that sustain people, and if they’re stressed, if they’re poor stressed, they tend to die early” (National Geographic).

Before we mothers of special needs kids resign our fate to these gloomy findings, what are we doing to reduce our stress that can help heal our minds, bodies, and spirits?

Each mother has her own coping mechanism and healthy escape or distractor. Linda makes arts and crafts and relies on supportive family and her faith. Julie also has a crucial family support system and strong faith. Moreover, she teaches and practices yoga, which has provided tremendous relief from suffering from emotional strain. Anna, too, finds comfort and strength in her faith. She spends time reading news stories on the Internet and interacting on social media as a temporary distractor from her stressful environment. Lastly, she enjoys listening to music, which has always been a pathway to serenity in her life. In my case, I also talk and spend time with family and friends, do jigsaw puzzles when I can, try to exercise regularly, and rely very much on my faith.

yoga-pose-sunrise-silhuette

According to a study done by biologist, Dr. Elizabeth Blackburn, helping others could help our wellbeing. Dr. Blackburn co-discovered an enzyme called telomerase that repairs the destruction of the ends of chromosomes from stress (National Geographic). The preliminary data indicates that support groups such as ones for mothers of special needs children in which they converse and reciprocate compassion and understanding spurs healing.

support-womens-group-pic

In reducing stress, “Compassion and caring for others may be one of the most important ingredients,” Dr. Epel says and adds,” Those may be the factors that promote longevity and increase telomeres and keep our cells rejuvenating and regenerating” (National Geographic).

This is very encouraging news for us moms of special needs kids.

Through the years, we have learned the amazing strengths our children possess and discovered some things about ourselves. I’ve realized my son, Christopher, is very strong and goes through medical check ups and MRIs with ease. He’s got an aloof exterior, but at the same time, tends to be comedic with his quirky sense of humor. I have found that I am able to endure much more than I ever thought and that I am capable of doing many things I never thought I could do in tending to his special medical needs.

Linda says, “I’ve learned Baylee is much stronger and resilient than she appears to be. She’s endured the MRIs, the endless EEGs, blood tests, medication changes, and mood swings like a champ! And me…I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I am a more positive thinking person. The word ‘can’t’ does not work in this house!”

“I have learned Sophia is capable of much more pure forms of joy and unconditional love than I am. She accepts everyone regardless of what they look like or how they speak. Everyone is a friend to her, and the smallest things make her happy. To watch her hold a caterpillar or smell a flower is to realize that joy really is found in the simple things,” Julie says, and adds, “I have learned that I can do hard things, even when I don’t want to, even when I wonder why me, even when I feel like I’ve got nothing left, I manage. It might not be pretty, but I wake up in the morning, take a deep breath, and move through whatever level of chaos that day may bring.”

“Oran has remarkable courage! And his ability to trust, realizing his fear of me and others was part of his illness,” says Anna.  She continues, “I’m not sure how anyone could be by turns so positive having experienced such despair and confusion alone—no one could reach or comfort him when he was deep in the throes of the illness before diagnosis. Regarding me, the realization that I have been able to keep going for so long.”

Anna, Linda, and Julie offer me their advice for other mothers of special needs children that they feel has helped them.

Linda says, “Keep the faith! Be strong for your child and yourself!”

Julie instructs, “Ask for help. Swallow your pride. Shush that voice that tells you that you are being a burden or inconvenience. The reality is that most people are not only willing to help, but they want to. They just may not know how. Figure out what your pressing needs are and ask for help.”

Finally, Anna succinctly says, “Forgive yourself.”

We mothers must remember this essential advice because we tend to believe that we are lacking strength, afraid we can’t do what needs to be done, or just simply think we are not good enough mothers. None of us is perfect, but we do all we can to support, sustain, and show compassion and love for our children. Years later, down each of our own paths in our lives, we will discover all our efforts and sacrifices for our children’s health and wellbeing were blessings to our children and they to us.

sunny-path

 

Works Cited

Barros, Anna. Personal interview. 10 January 2017.

Boam, Julie. Personal interview. 10 January 2017.

Nuzzo, Linda. Personal interview. 10 January 2017.

National Geographic. Stress: Portrait of a Killer. 20th Century Fox. 2008.